Biggest Mom Fail Ever

 Ryan,

    Where are you? Is it pretty there? Does Heaven have everything wonderful? What does Jesus actually look like? What does God look like? Do you eat in Heaven? Do they have Bacon Gravy and biscuits? I miss you. I think of you all the time. I am selling the house. As much as I have some good memories there, I need to move on. I didn't mean to let you down. I let everything go after you died. I am just now fixing the shower, you and I started working on a couple weeks before you left. I still have your Menard's list. Pricing has changed though. I miss you. I wonder where you would be right now in life. Carter is almost 5, can you believe it? Some days, I swear I see you all over again in his little face. I haven't seen you in my dreams yet, or had that visit from you. I wish you would. The last time I saw you was when you came to me the night you passed, and it wasn't a great meeting. You were so distraught and sorry, and i kept saying it's okay.....but we both knew it wasn't. You were officially in a place I could no longer reach out and touch you. You were so upset and ashamed. I wanted so bad to touch you but every time I reached out you were on the other side of me. Where were we? It was in an all white space, no ground, no sky. I always wonder. Did you feel me kiss your head in the Morgue that day? I smelled your shampoo, you had to of been there. I held your hand. I just wanted you to look at me. One more time. Did you see me and your sisters, and your dad and Lexie and Carter? The day it happend, it was a beautiful day out. I was at Jim's making Banana Bread muffins. The oven was started and the dough was making. When i got the call. Ryan's dead. It was your dad. I had to tell your sister, she was right next to me. I had to tell Kennedy. I wouldn't believe it, until I saw your body. I kept thinking, no no this is a mistake, he is fine, he just passed out is all. No no no......not Ryan. No. Not my family, not my kid, No no no. Why. Why you, why now, why didn't you stop and didn't you even think once about all of us that loved you? What about your baby sister that you always loved and protected? Or your big sister who you also loved and defended when y'all weren't fighting? Did you think Carter would really be better off without you at all? Or that your relationship with Lexie was better ending that way? Then again, maybe it wasn't about us at all. Maybe your pain was so deep, you could't see any of the good anymore. All I know, is that no matter what anyone says, I will always feel like I failed you as a mom. You died, I should have protected you, I should have saved you, it was my fault, and I failed. You should be here, thriving. Living your best life. Teaching Carter to ride a bike. Not sitting in 3 different urns. Some days, I hate myself. 💔